


Texts from the Van

by Sholio



Category: White Collar
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-18
Updated: 2012-08-18
Packaged: 2017-11-12 09:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/489319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sholio/pseuds/Sholio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One bored con man + one cell phone = lots and lots of text messages. Takes place between 4x03 & 4x04 (with some spoilers).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Texts from the Van

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [СМС из фургона](https://archiveofourown.org/works/515290) by [aqwt101](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqwt101/pseuds/aqwt101)



> The version of this story posted [on Livejournal](http://sholio.livejournal.com/472734.html) and [on Dreamwidth](http://sholio.dreamwidth.org/841777.html) uses colored text to distinguish between the different texters/speakers. This version uses unmodified (default) text. I wanted to have one of each available. So you can read it over there if you find that easier, and here if this is easier.

NEAL'S PHONE: hey peter  
NEAL'S PHONE: peter?  
NEAL'S PHONE: peter  
NEAL'S PHONE: peter  
NEAL'S PHONE: peeeeeeeeter  
NEAL'S PHONE: peeeeeeeeeeeeeeee  
NEAL'S PHONE: ter  
NEAL'S PHONE: hit send too soon  
PETER'S PHONE: YES, WHAT?????  
NEAL'S PHONE: you werent answering  
NEAL'S PHONE: i thought there may have been a problem  
NEAL'S PHONE: dire circumstances of some kind  
NEAL'S PHONE: like  
NEAL'S PHONE: devoured by bookworms  
NEAL'S PHONE: buried in a cratealanche  
NEAL'S PHONE: lost in a maze of identical corridors  
NEAL'S PHONE: and forced to subsist on confiscated caviar  
PETER'S PHONE: No, the problem is I can't take personal calls at work.  
NEAL'S PHONE: this is not a call  
NEAL'S PHONE: its a text  
NEAL'S PHONE: super seeeeeecret  
PETER'S PHONE: If you have time to pester me via text,  
PETER'S PHONE: Diana and Jones obviously aren't keeping you busy enough.  
NEAL'S PHONE: we're in the van  
NEAL'S PHONE: the VAN, Peter  
PETER'S PHONE: Oh no.  
PETER'S PHONE: How awful.  
PETER'S PHONE: That sound you hear  
PETER'S PHONE: is the world's tiniest violin  
PETER'S PHONE: playing the world's saddest song.  
NEAL'S PHONE: ;ppp  
PETER'S PHONE: I distinctly remember telling you earlier  
PETER'S PHONE: if you used emoticons again  
PETER'S PHONE: I would arrest you.  
NEAL'S PHONE: have to catch me first  
NEAL'S PHONE: youre across town  
PETER'S PHONE: Diana has handcuffs.  
PETER'S PHONE: Incidentally,  
PETER'S PHONE: did you steal all the apostrophes off your keyboard  
PETER'S PHONE: when I wasn't looking?  
NEAL'S PHONE: you know, peter  
NEAL'S PHONE: no one is going to take away points or anything  
NEAL'S PHONE: if you fail to use correct punctuation  
NEAL'S PHONE: in a text.  
PETER'S PHONE: I prefer to sound like an adult, thanks.  
NEAL'S PHONE: well, when you develop carpal tunnel  
NEAL'S PHONE: i will laugh  
NEAL'S PHONE: in texts  
NEAL'S PHONE: typed with my carpal-free thumbs  
PETER'S PHONE: Neal, seriously, amusing as this  
PETER'S PHONE: isn't  
PETER'S PHONE: I really have to work.  
PETER'S PHONE: And so do you.

 

[15 minutes later]

NEAL'S PHONE: peter?  
NEAL'S PHONE: hey peter  
PETER'S PHONE: This better be work-related.  
NEAL'S PHONE: sort of  
PETER'S PHONE: how much is sort of?  
NEAL'S PHONE: well, i'm in the van...  
PETER'S PHONE: Goodbye, Neal  
NEAL'S PHONE: i made you a swan  
NEAL'S PHONE: diana's is a rabbit  
PETER'S PHONE: Origami?  
NEAL'S PHONE: no a real rabbit  
NEAL'S PHONE: its name is mr bunny  
NEAL'S PHONE: yes, origami  
NEAL'S PHONE: out of sandwich wrappers  
NEAL'S PHONE: see, youre getting the whole van experience  
NEAL'S PHONE: minus the van  
NEAL'S PHONE: here is your swan  
NEAL'S PHONE: [attachment: picture of origami swan]  
PETER'S PHONE: That's  
PETER'S PHONE: actually I'm not really sure what to say  
PETER'S PHONE: It's a nice swan?  
NEAL'S PHONE: if it was really there  
NEAL'S PHONE: you could put it on top of your computer  
NEAL'S PHONE: for luck  
PETER'S PHONE: Where it would last all of five minutes  
PETER'S PHONE: before Patterson sees it.  
PETER'S PHONE: Speaking of, here he comes  
PETER'S PHONE: Gotta go  
NEAL'S PHONE: good luck

 

[10 minutes later]

NEAL'S PHONE: peter  
NEAL'S PHONE: peterpeterpeter  
NEAL'S PHONE: peter  
PETER'S PHONE: AAAAAAAAAAA.  
NEAL'S PHONE: are you bored? hey! me too.  
PETER'S PHONE: I am WORKING.  
PETER'S PHONE: As are you.  
PETER'S PHONE: As per the terms of your WORK release.  
PETER'S PHONE: In theory.  
NEAL'S PHONE: i asked diana if i could bring you the swan  
NEAL'S PHONE: in actual person  
PETER'S PHONE: She said no?  
NEAL'S PHONE: well  
NEAL'S PHONE: yes  
PETER'S PHONE: That's because you are in the van  
NEAL'S PHONE: I KNOW  
PETER'S PHONE: surveilling.  
NEAL'S PHONE: is that a word?  
PETER'S PHONE: It is absolutely a word.  
PETER'S PHONE: Look it up.  
NEAL'S PHONE: eureka!  
NEAL'S PHONE: we could play  
NEAL'S PHONE: a game  
NEAL'S PHONE: in texts  
NEAL'S PHONE: i spy  
NEAL'S PHONE: with my little eye  
PETER'S PHONE: Neal, tell Diana to send you for coffee.  
NEAL'S PHONE: peter...  
PETER'S PHONE: RIGHT NOW  
DIANA'S PHONE: Caffrey says he needs to get coffee  
DIANA'S PHONE: and you said so?  
PETER'S PHONE: It'll get him out of the van for a while.  
DIANA'S PHONE: on it, boss

 

NEAL'S PHONE: so, peter  
NEAL'S PHONE: this is embarrassing  
NEAL'S PHONE: i seem to be a little bit  
NEAL'S PHONE: kidnapped  
NEAL'S PHONE: DON'T CALL ME  
NEAL'S PHONE: very bad time  
NEAL'S PHONE: they dont know i have my phone  
NEAL'S PHONE: i had it out when they grabbed me  
NEAL'S PHONE: about to text you actually  
NEAL'S PHONE: from the coffee shop  
NEAL'S PHONE: for work purposes, i swear  
NEAL'S PHONE: due to having seen the guys we're surveilling  
NEAL'S PHONE: in a surveillance blind spot  
NEAL'S PHONE: sadly they saw me too  
NEAL'S PHONE: i dropped the phone into my shoe  
NEAL'S PHONE: on purpose, in case you were wondering  
NEAL'S PHONE: they didnt even check  
NEAL'S PHONE: amateurs  
NEAL'S PHONE: PETER, CHECK YOUR TEXTS  
NEAL'S PHONE: honestly  
NEAL'S PHONE: peter?  
NEAL'S PHONE: kind of alone here  
PETER'S PHONE: Neal!  
PETER'S PHONE: Are you okay?  
PETER'S PHONE: Calling help now!  
NEAL'S PHONE: no!!!!  
NEAL'S PHONE: already texted diana :)  
NEAL'S PHONE: b4 you actually  
NEAL'S PHONE: rescue is on its way  
NEAL'S PHONE: she says  
NEAL'S PHONE: ... peter?  
NEAL'S PHONE: hey peter?  
NEAL'S PHONE: not that i'm complaining but  
NEAL'S PHONE: you know, kidnapped  
NEAL'S PHONE: in the dark  
NEAL'S PHONE: could i get some acknowledgement here  
PETER'S PHONE: sorry, on the phone  
PETER'S PHONE: diana called me.  
PETER'S PHONE: where are you?  
NEAL'S PHONE: in a van  
NEAL'S PHONE: again  
NEAL'S PHONE: and i have to say  
NEAL'S PHONE: i prefer ours  
NEAL'S PHONE: it has windows  
NEAL'S PHONE: and coffee  
NEAL'S PHONE: and no thugs with guns  
NEAL'S PHONE: though moz might disagree with that last part  
NEAL'S PHONE: no offense  
NEAL'S PHONE: oh hey look  
NEAL'S PHONE: i still have your swan  
NEAL'S PHONE: in my pocket  
NEAL'S PHONE: for all the good that'll do me  
PETER'S PHONE: Neal, if anyone can pick a lock  
PETER'S PHONE: with an origami swan  
PETER'S PHONE: you are that person.  
NEAL'S PHONE: the van is stopping  
NEAL'S PHONE: gotta go  
PETER'S PHONE: Neal  
PETER'S PHONE: just  
PETER'S PHONE: dammit.  
PETER'S PHONE: Use your head.  
PETER'S PHONE: Wait for backup.  
PETER'S PHONE: Don't do anything reckless.  
PETER'S PHONE: are you even reading these?

 

PETER'S PHONE: Neal?

 

DIANA'S PHONE: All clear. got Caffrey.  
DIANA'S PHONE: Dont go running off and get written up  
DIANA'S PHONE: as I know you were about to  
DIANA'S PHONE: or possibly already in the process of  
PETER'S PHONE: everyone ok?  
DIANA'S PHONE: mostly  
PETER'S PHONE: what does THAT mean?  
DIANA'S PHONE: they knocked Caffrey around a little  
PETER'S PHONE: a little?  
PETER'S PHONE: how much is a little?  
DIANA'S PHONE: uh, concussion, sprained wrist? I guess?  
DIANA'S PHONE: not a doctor  
PETER'S PHONE: Which hospital?  
DIANA'S PHONE: oh no you don't, boss  
DIANA'S PHONE: STAY PUT. you're off in  
DIANA'S PHONE: two hours  
DIANA'S PHONE: it can wait that long  
JONES'S PHONE: You heard the lady  
JONES'S PHONE: We've got it, boss

 

PETER'S PHONE: Neal.  
PETER'S PHONE: Neal!  
PETER'S PHONE: If you can read this, answer me.  
PETER'S PHONE: That's an order.  
NEAL'S PHONE: hiya  
NEAL'S PHONE: they got the guys  
NEAL'S PHONE: all took down  
NEAL'S PHONE: your team did good  
PETER'S PHONE: The important thing is for my team  
PETER'S PHONE: to return undamaged  
PETER'S PHONE: CIs included, obviously.  
NEAL'S PHONE: what did diana say???  
PETER'S PHONE: Never mind what Diana said.  
PETER'S PHONE: *I* said be careful.  
NEAL'S PHONE: i was careful  
PETER'S PHONE: I'm going to see  
PETER'S PHONE: about ducking out early.  
PETER'S PHONE: I can make it up tomorrow.  
NEAL'S PHONE: no!  
NEAL'S PHONE: stay there!  
NEAL'S PHONE: i am just fine  
NEAL'S PHONE: woops hospital, gotta go

 

NEAL'S PHONE: pwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrwe  
NEAL'S PHONE: *peeeeeeeeetef  
NEAL'S PHONE: *peeeeeter  
PETER'S PHONE: On painkillers, are you?  
NEAL'S PHONE: yes  
NEAL'S PHONE: but mostly  
NEAL'S PHONE: arm in sling  
NEAL'S PHONE: hard 2 type  
PETER'S PHONE: Still at the ER?  
NEAL'S PHONE: y  
PETER'S PHONE: Well, it's 4:59, so  
PETER'S PHONE: I'll be over to pick you up innnnnn...  
PETER'S PHONE: 35 seconds  
PETER'S PHONE: 33  
NEAL'S PHONE: good. i have a thing  
PETER'S PHONE: 30  
PETER'S PHONE: Oh?  
PETER'S PHONE: That's ... cryptic.  
PETER'S PHONE: 15  
NEAL'S PHONE: for you!  
PETER'S PHONE: origami swan by any chance?  
PETER'S PHONE: 7 ...  
NEAL'S PHONE: yes  
NEAL'S PHONE: slightly crumpled  
NEAL'S PHONE: but still ok  
PETER'S PHONE: Sort of like you.  
PETER'S PHONE: Okay, heading out.  
NEAL'S PHONE: drive careful  
NEAL'S PHONE: haha j/k  
NEAL'S PHONE: like you ever do

 

Peter picked out Neal's from among the identical, curtained examining stations in the ER by following the sound of laughter. Neal, wearing a scrub top and half-reclining on a gurney, was teaching Diana one-handed magic tricks. He kept dropping coins, although he was still very ably capable of making them vanish. 

Peter hung back, watching for a moment. Neal had a black eye and, as he'd mentioned in text, his left arm was in a sling. He also looked abnormally cheerful, though nowhere near Howser Clinic levels of cheerful.

"Peter!" Neal said, with a wide grin, and Diana looked over her shoulder.

"Oh, hi, boss. I was just making sure Caffrey didn't walk off with any bedpans."

"I'm not a kleptomaniac," Neal said indignantly.

"We all know what you are, Neal." Diana patted him on the shoulder.

"Thanks," Peter said to her. "Go home. I've got it from here."

He located Neal's shirt and got Neal checked out. Neal was moving very carefully and he had a prescription for painkillers. While they were waiting to get the prescription filled in the hospital's in-house pharmacy, Neal said, "Quit looking guilty. It wasn't your fault."

"I should have been there."

"You had other places to be. Diana and Jones took care of it." 

"I --"

"Didn't have a choice," Neal said. "Would've been there if you could. Peter, we know."

"It could have ended a lot differently."

"But it didn't," Neal pointed out.

"Next time," Peter said. "Next time, I'm not sitting in that warehouse, staring at my phone and waiting for a text to let me know if you're alive or dead."

"Hopefully we'll have you back at the White Collar unit before there is a 'next time'." 

After they retrieved the prescription, a companionable silence reigned during the walk to the car. Neal settled into the seat with a little moan of satisfaction to be off his feet, leaned back and closed his eyes. It was a glorious evening, the sun slanting low through the canyons and valleys of the city.

"I took the precaution of calling El and letting her know there'd be a guest tonight," Peter said. "Unless you had your heart set on eating takeout back at June's."

"I can deal with the disappointment. Oh!" Neal opened his eyes again, and reached into his pocket with his good hand, wincing as the movement tugged on his stiffening muscles. He pressed something small and papery into Peter's palm. "Here's your swan."

It was definitely not the best origami animal Neal had ever produced. It was very clearly made from a piece of a sandwich wrapper (including a grease stain) and had been somewhat crumpled during Neal's little adventure in the van.

Peter smoothed out the worst of the crumpling and tucked it carefully into his wallet.

"Er ..." Neal said. "If I'd known you were going to be keeping it, I would have made you one that wasn't made out of trash. Want a better one?"

"No," Peter said. "I want this one."

 

***

 

The next day, the swan was on top of his computer monitor. And he didn't give a damn what Patterson thought about it.


End file.
